I'm just done reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years old. I am attempting to place on my normal perky, jovial face for the world but inside I am a total mix up.
Although I have been aware for some period that I have difficulties with alcohol, this book made me face them. Nevertheless peculiarly soothed me to comprehend I am not alone. My abuse of liquor was not just "hereditary inclination" or me having no self control.....my utilization of liquor to comfort and maintain me originates from many issues throughout my life. Growing up was difficult - my father was a serial cheater, my mother had no self pride and overweight, unpopular me was left to feed for myself on most occasions. Emotionally, I was totally independent.
Strangely, I never drank in high school. However, I went to university at a reputable institution which takes pride in its academic excellence....while students prided themselves on their ability to party. My varsity days mark the commencement of my drinking habits and misdemeanour with the common negative outcomes notorious with severe alcohol use such as improper conducts, headaches, vomiting and loss of consciousness.
I discovered the only manner for a fat girl to have a sexual intercourse was to be drunk with equally as drunk boys.
On one particular occasion, I found myself in bed with a random guy naked, and this happened when I was in Canada; Many times I ponder over this incident thinking how astonishing it is that I never got pregnant, injured or infected with any sexually transmitted diseases or worse still dead.
With time, I earned a degree and even went further while my love life wasn't left behind. We saw each other often and during such occasions wine was always present while I also got myself a bottle every week.
Fast forward'marriage, .two pregnancies, both during which I totally refrained, and did not miss it. As I got older, the stress of taking care of my parents and my sick child while dealing with my partner's lack of interest and poor temperament altered my ritual of having wine leisurely to a more frequent consumption.
My better half got snared on a neighbourhood "mix your-own" so we had cases and instances of wine...and soon a daily custom to split one or two.... Covertly, I started blending my own mixed drinks and keeping the glass covered up in my heating cabinet.
When I got home - I can only think about enjoying that drink'. Trying to mix it, keep refiling it until I fall asleep or pass out until morning, honestly I can't focus on handling household mess, I tried so hard to get my ADHD boy focus on homework, prying the other one off of his iPod. On waking up, I check my phone to see whom I chatted when under the influence of alcohol.
Be that as it may, there is more - two years prior I got to be distinctly required in an extremely serious enthusiastic issue with one of my child's companion's fathers. The affair never proceeded to sexual interaction (except for a few hugs and standing beside each other at sporting events) but if any of you have learnt about (or undergone) an emotional affair, the effect can be just as dramatic and powerful, if not more so than a sexual relationship. I was very happy - each time my phone pointed out a message...oh the rush of emotions. On many occasions, we chatted late into the night, at times in the midnight, when we were at work.
I was content at this high point in my life. When the relationship got too serious and getting close we almost crossed the sexual line, then he pulled back. I was emotionally wounded and desolate, so my use of alcohol grew.
My cocktails comforted me they assisted the infliction.
I feel so ashamed as I remember my past. Below are some of the incidence caused by my alcohol use include:
Getting completely pounded last Christmas at a mixed drink party
Intoxicated at my sister's 50th birthday
I randomly sent rant messages through my iPhone, I can't even control myself at that time.
I shouted and screamed inappropriately in front of my kids
Punching my better half in the face
Making a tantrum when my child brought his friend to spend the night which basically is a none issue.
I am in advising which has been an epiphany.....plus perusing Ann's book and now finding this site and perusing comparable stories. I feel that I finally got straight, ready to come home.